


should i kill myself

by maskie



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Depressed Tord, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Tord, Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:34:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29515386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maskie/pseuds/maskie
Summary: Tord wants to kill himself but Tom enters the living room and stops him.It's written in first-person perspective.It's a work-in-progress. Might finish it, might not.
Relationships: Tom/Tord (Eddsworld)
Kudos: 13





	should i kill myself

I'm in the living room and my chest feels tight. It's hard to breathe.

(Doesn't matter that I'm in the living room. Edd and Matt aren't home. Tom's.. I'm not sure where Tom is- It doesn't matter.)

I'm unintentionally holding my breath and it hurts. Everything hurts.

I hold my Glock 19 shakily in my right hand. I don't know if I should do this or not. What's the point of living if I fuck everything up?

I feel like throwing up.

What's the point of living if I'm going to die anyway? Aren't we all born to _die?_ I don't want to die. I don't want to die. (I know. Cognitive dissonance. The _irony._ )

I don't want to die. I'm scared of dying. Why can't I just be immortal instead? Why can't magic be real?

I'm a horrible person. Why should I keep living if I just hurt everyone around me? I can't even feel empathy or remorse most of the time!

I feel so sick. Oh god I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I want to cry but I'm on these stupid fucking antidepressants. Risperidone and Fluoxetine. Makes me fucking numb. Makes it harder for me to cry. I don't even know if this shit fucking WORKS.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING??

I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I raise the gun so it's level with the back of my neck, so it hopefully hits my brain stem.

I'M NOT A SPECIAL PERSON.

I'M A DISGUSTING MONSTER. EVERYONE FUCKING HATES ME.

EVERYONE. **EVERYONE** FUCKING _HATES ME._

I feel myself start to slowly tear up.

The front door opens revealing Tom. Once he looks at me, he stares at me in horror, speechless.

'Tord? Please.. Put the gun down.' Tom looks at me with deep worry.

'Why?' My voice is small and unsteady.

'Please.'

I relent and lower the gun, putting the safety back on.

'I'm not sure if you know this, Tom, but words cannot describe how much of a horrible person I am. I'm one of the worst human beings on this planet. Shouldn't people like me just kill themselves because they do nothing but hurt society?'

'Hey,' Tom closed the door and stepped towards me.

'What makes you think you're a horrible person?'

'I've manipulated and hurt people, and that is an understatement,' I shakily say.

'But you seem to want to change. Isn't that what matters most?'

'It's not that simple. I-...' I trail off. 'I keep repeating my mistakes over and over again and I don't see any reason why I shouldn't repeat them. What's the point of living anyway? I have no meaning in life. No one loves me and I....- Life would only hold meaning if I was in love and my hypothetical lover and I would become immortal and be happy forever.'

**(WIP)**


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